Divorce and Remarriage

When a couple gets a divorce, it is a really messy situation, especially when children are involved. It is said that if children are not in a household where both parents were not successful in developing skills and solving problems together, then it’s going to be hard for the child to have the skills they need for life because they did not grow up observing those skills in the home. Some effects of divorce on children leads to psychological problems, a less likelihood to graduate from high school, low self-esteem, depression, learning problems, emotional pain and suffering, poor social skills, and a greater chance to get involved in sexual relationships. 

After a couple splits, children lose access to both of their parents. You would think they would lose access to the parent who moved away, but it's actually both. One parent usually moves away, and the other one has to go to work to support the family now. This leaves the children with their emotional needs not being met. The children now have to accept that things will never be the same. This is really hard for young children because they think of everything literally. Most of the time they still have hopes and dreams that their parents will get back together.

If drugs or abuse were involved with in the couple and were the cause of the divorce, this can be hard on children. For example, they may grow up with their mom or dad saying all these terrible things about their dad or mom, like "he/she was a jerk", "he/she loved his alcohol more than he/she loved us", "he/she is just a terrible person." These children are going to grow up thinking that their father/mother is a horrible person even if they never met him/her. If the mom or dad decides to remarry, and asks the kids what they think about their significant other as a new mom or dad, more likely than not, the kids are going to respond that they don’t need a mom or dad because they suck. This kind of attitude sets up a poor view of motherhood and fatherhood for the next generation. 

It is interesting to point out that 70% of couples who divorce, 2 years later say they should not have divorced because looking back they could have saved their marriage. This is due to the fact that in the moment of hard times people turn inwards and make rash decisions instead of turning outwards and focusing on the problem at hand. It is not the incompatibilities that are the problem, it is what couple do with their incompatibilities that cause the problems. 

If a divorcee does remarry, blending two families can be quite the adventure. Dr. Clifford Sager, a couples therapist gives 4 guidelines for blended families:

1. Give the blended family a minimum of 2 years for normalcy (2 rounds of birthday's, holidays, and summers to figure things out)

2. Remember it;s never going to feel like a 2 biological parent household. It's just different and that's okay.

3. The biological parent should do all the parenting and discipline and heavy corrections.

4. The step-parent should be the equivalence of a really good aunt or uncle. 

*Be a role model

*Offer support and advice

*Spend quality time with the children

*Support the other parent

*Set an example 

Because divorce and remarriage is a hot topic in the world today, I know many people are affected by it. I personally have not experienced it, but I have witnessed many people close to me experience it. And I can safely say it is not a fun process for anyone involved. My greatest piece of advice to the couples who divorce is: remember your kids. Make sure their feelings are heard and discussed, and make sure your kids know they are loved.

Just for kicks and giggles:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w168vuhjRo

        

Active Parenting

Marriage and parenting will be two of the hardest things you will ever experience in your life. There are circumstances you never thought you would ever have to face, but parenting tests your limits. In this post I will be discussing ways to actively parent your teenagers. Most of my information will be pulled from our class discussion on the program "active parenting." 

For starters, what are the purposes of parenting? 

I believe the purposes of parenting are to love and care for your children. To help parents become teachers and to learn to love unconditionally. And to help prepare your children for life in the real world. Michael Popkins, the founder of the program "active parenting" describes the purposes of parenting as the following: "to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world in which the will live." All of the verbs he used in his definition were active verbs. Parenting is an active task that you cannot sit passively through and expect your children to eventually figure it out. The most effective parenting advice I can offer to you is this: express love and teach something meaningful. 

By the time children are teenagers, the only real tool you have as a parent is the relationship. That is why it is so important to spend time with your child and personally get to know them. The teenage years are all about exploring the boundaries and pushing limits. Parents should give their children some autonomy as they begin their teenage years, but only as much as they can handle. You do not want to get into a power struggle. Michael Popkins designed a problem handling model to help parents and teens handle problems together. The most important questions to ask when a problem arises is who owns the problem and who wants to fix it? 

Parents should offer polite requests when they need something done. If they teen continues to not obey, use an I statement 

"when you __________

I feel ___________

Because ___________

I would like __________."

If your polite or firm requests and I statements are not influencing your child, let them child learn from natural consequences. This is where the deepest learning will take place. For example, let's say you let your teen drive the car last night, but they forgot to fill up the gas tank and now there isn't enough gas to drive to school this morning. Don't step in and offer them a ride, let your teen learn that by not filling up the car with gas makes them have to take the bus. This natural consequence teaches the teen to remember to fill up the gas tank the night before. 

Punishment in this scenario would not have done the teen any good. What would they have learned? Probably nothing. It is important to set consequences in advanced for problem situations that may arise in the future and then most importantly follow through with your consequences. 

The problem with parenting in today's world is parents are too focused on the behavior rather than the needs of the child being met. Have you ever wondered why your child keeps doing something over and over again? Maybe it's because a basic need is not being met. The top 3 basics needs according to Micheal Popkins are 

1. contact and belonging (advice: offer contact freely and offer opportunities to contribute) 

2. power to choose (advice: teach responsibility. choices+consequences=responsibility) 

3. protection (advice: be there and show you care). 

I strongly believe that parents should be active not reactive when it comes to parenting their children. Really focus on the child and their needs, rather than their disciplining their behavior. I also believe that this is how Heavenly Father parents us. He doesn't spend time punishing us. He spends His time warning us about the natural consequences that will occur if we do not follow His commandments. 

Parenthood

As a couple one of the most important and meaningful conversations you can have is how you are going to distribute responsibilities and roles within your family unit. This should be a thoughtful conversation with the needs of each other and your children in mind. Questions like “Who is going to work and where?”, “Who will be in charge of the finances?”, “How will we divvy up housework?”, and “Will Mom need to work?”  The list can go on and on.

Since the beginning of time, starting with Adam and Eve, people have used the resources of the land to make family life enjoyable. Families were always together, sharing roles of homemaker, and worker. The whole family shared in chores, and working in the fields outside. Family time was important to the whole family. It wasn’t until the 1800’s when the industrial revolution started, where families started to separate from the home being the center of family life. Father’s started working outside of the home in factories. As time progressed children went off to school, which left the Mother at home by herself to do all the housework by herself. Fast forwarding a little more, some mother’s started to enter the work force, and suddenly, the once recognizable family was now scattered all over the place.

For a second, I would like to speak to the stay-at-home-moms. THANK YOU!!! In a world where we are constantly told that women should not be in the home, I applaud you for fulfilling your God given responsibility to nurture you children in the home. Now, I understand that under certain circumstances mothers need to work. I applaud those women for being able to provide for your family and nurture your little ones. That is hard work. I encourage all women to continue in their education, it is of significant value to you and to your family. For all those mothers out there, here is the impact you make on your children: “A mother’s implementation of ordinary, daily practices of health and safety make her the central influence in preserving and nurturing life. A mother’s use of language in ordinary interactions expressing, explaining, and questioning make her the most significant influence in a child’s cognitive development. And a mother’s sensitivity and responsiveness to emotion make her the foundation of a child’s social-emotional strength. That is why her education matters so much.” (Jenet Jacob Erickson) http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865587127/A-womans-education-is-not-wasted-in-the-home.html

Now I would like to speak to all the hard working Dads out there. THANK YOU!!! In the world where the media portrays Father’s as dumb, stupid, drunk, or just simply not there, I applaud you for fulfilling your God giving responsibilities to preside, provide, and protect your family. I encourage you to continue to strive to be like our Father in Heaven as you and your wife raise you children in this fallen world. Elder Christofferson has taught: “The perfect, divine expression of fatherhood is our Heavenly Father. His character and attributes include abundant goodness and perfect love. His work and glory are the development, happiness, and eternal life of His children. Fathers in this fallen world can claim nothing comparable to the Majesty on High, but at their best, they are striving to emulate Him, and they indeed labor in His work. They are honored with a remarkable and sobering trust.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/fathers?lang=eng

“The Family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” This statement in the proclamation to the world: the family, is important to understand the need for families. The family is the structure we were in while we were in heaven. It is the structure that works. It is the only structure that brings us happiness and can lead us back home to our heavenly family. Within the family unit there is a lot of learning to be had. The most important lesson you can learn in a family is work. In the article “family work” by Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless, they state: “Helping one another nurture children, care for the land, prepare food, and clean homes can bind lives together. This is the power of family work, and it is this power, available in every home, no matter how troubled, that can end the turmoil of the family, begin to change the world, and bring again Zion.” https://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/ It is in the family where we learn to work to become one. 

Communication

"Relationships cannot grow without the proper amount of communication" --Unknown

There are 3 mediums in which individuals communicate. 
14% is Words
35% is Tone                             
51% is Nonverbal

When you are trying to communicate with someone, you are trying to get someone to see your view on a subject by encoding messages through the three mediums. Take a look at the chart below. This is called "The Feedback Loop" If communicated effectively, someone will speak while the other person listens and tries to figure out what they are saying, and then relate back to them their understanding. Encoding and decoding are the key to conversation. This also furthers the point that it takes 2 to communicate. 

Communication is important in all relationships. But most important when it comes to family relationships, especially our spouse.  To avoid major conflicts and power struggles within your marriage may I suggest some "good fighting" techniques--if you will, from our textbook.
1. Maintain Your Perspective: "there are some things not worth fighting about"
2. Develop Tension Outlets: let go of some tension
3. Avoid Festering Resentment: "practice forgiveness" 
4. Be Sensitive to Timing: take a break. come back to your arguments when both of you are rationally and emotionally stable
5. Communicate without Ceasing: don't use the silent treatment to handle conflict 
6. Be flexible, Willing to Compromise: "give in when the issue does not matter that much to you and prepare to compromise when the issue is important to you
7. Use Conflict to Attack Problems, Not Your Spouse: focus your energy on solving the problem not the destroying the relationship
8. Keep Loving while You Are Fighting: love always 💗

One of the major marital problems couples face today is making decisions together as one. That is why communication is so important in our relationships. In order to make decisions together, we must know how to communicate. 
There are two ways in which people arrive at conclusions for decisions:
1. Compromise: Each one of us trying to get what we want. Or enough to be satisfied. 
2. Consensus: Seeking to learn God's will by setting aside our personal preferences.
I will expand on the latter. 
Elder M. Russell Ballard a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles for the last 15-20+ years has given countless training on ward and family counsels. He has written a book called "Counseling our Counsels" which discusses the principles of communication within wards and families. Here is a talk that also has some good information in it for strengthening family and ward communication through counsels. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/strength-in-counsel?lang=eng

I would like to now share with you the process in which the general authorities come to a consensus for matters regarding the Lord's church. This is pretty insightful, so pay close attention. :)
First thing to note is the brethren (1st presidency and the 12 apostles) have a set time and place for their weekly counsel meetings. Every Thursday morning in the Temple and they also have an agenda for what they would like to discuss. Now here is the cool part: Does everyone know what a Chiasm is? It is "a rhetorical or literary figure in which words, grammatical constructions, or concepts are repeated in reverse order, in the same or a modified form" One of the most common examples is Mosiah 3:18-19 

Okay, back to the brethren:
a. They come about 15 minutes early to express love and appreciation towards each other
     b. They start with a word of prayer to invite the spirit to guide them to knowing God's Will 
          c. They discuss to consensus
     b. They end with a word of prayer, asking for the Spirit to continue to guide them to God's Will
a. They share refreshments with each other (ex. Chocolate and Pie) and again express appreciation

During the time they are discussing, everyone's opinion on the matter is expressed. Each of the 15 brethren have time to discuss individually, then discuss to a consensus. This pattern is so cool because what are the chances of 15 people from different perspectives can come to a conclusions on a matter anywhere else but the church? It is unnatural. The key here, is the Spirit. Here is a video of two of the brethren sharing their testimonies on this process https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QeooJLWlkA

We too can follow this pattern of decision making in our own homes and families. What would happen if you counsel with your kids and family units on a regular basis? Every member would be able to participate in the decision making process of the family. And in so doing, the family would come closer together as one. And isn't that the goal? To become ONE with the Father?    

Family Crisis and Stress

I'm not going to lie. This semester has been extremely trying on every level. I feel like things keep happening right after another and there is so break. Ever. After describing some of the things I have been going through to a friend, they recommended a talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin entitled "Sunday Will Come." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/sunday-will-come?lang=eng I am so grateful for this talk, and for a reassurance that our trials do end. They end because our Savior, Jesus Christ paid the price for us to be able to overcome anything. I defiantly recommend this talk to everyone who is going through a hard time right now. Here is just a little insight to what Elder Wirthlin has to say 

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

Every family will experience hard and stressful times. That is part of life. We shouted for joy to come to earth to get a body and gain earthly experience, knowing full well that trials would be part of this mortal experience.   

A lesson in life that we all need to learn is: "You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." I learned in class this past week just how important a strong family system is during times of crisis and stress. Crisis' effect the whole family whether you want it to or not. Reuben Hill in 1958 created a way to express a crisis on a family using an equation. He called it the ABCX model. Most of us focus on the experience and don't talk about what is going on, let alone look for resources to help us. It is important to recognize all three aspects that make up the experience.

It is important to understand that a stressor and a crisis are two different ideas:
Stressor:  puts pressure on a system, but the system will bounce back
Crisis: a temporary or permanent change in a family
I think the Chinese have the best definition of crisis. They have two brush strokes to describe the word crisis. One stroke represents danger and the other stroke represents opportunity. I would say that most times when we are given a challenge in life, it is a time for us to learn and to grow from the experience.

I think it is safe to say that everyone deals with stress differently.
Ineffective Coping Patterns
*Denial: not believing what you observe
*Avoidance: admit there is a problem, but avoid confronting and dealing with it
*Scapegoating: admit there is a problem, but shift the blame to someone else so that you don't have to feel responsible for the situation
Tools for Effective Coping
*Take responsibility
*Affirm your own worth and your family's worth
*Balance self-control with self-concern
*learn the art of re-framing
*Find and use available resources

The most important thing during a crisis is to stay close together as a family. Most crisis are usually aimed at tearing the family apart. Imagine you are standing in a circle holding hands with your family and someone comes behind each of you and tries to pull you down. You will each feel the stress in a different way, Sometimes it will be directly on you, other times it will be on someone else.  But if you face the crisis together as a family, you will be able to prepare for the stress that will affect your family by holding tighter to each other and adjusting to help others.

Another way to describe effective coping is through an analogy of a coping saw and crown molding. The way you put up molding in a room is to start with the shortest wall. You measure the wall and pick out a piece of molding that is about the same length. You then cut the molding using a coping saw to make minuscule changes to the end of the molding to fit perfectly with the other end, so that the two pieces fit together seamlessly. This prepares it for temperature changes, you will not see the wood fluctuate because the two pieces of molding--if done correctly--will press against each other for support.
~So how does this apply to how we cope with stress?~
Start with the things you can handle and build up to the harder things. Take time to cope wisely, that way when a crisis does hit your life, you cannot visibly see the fluctuation this crisis may cause because you turned to your family for support.

Family systems who work together can face some very difficult things. Which is why it is so important to have a father and a mother who work together as equal partners. Now, I know not everyone is in a situation where you have a mother and a father working together as equal partners. I get that. Some of you may only have one parent, or none. You may be facing crisis and challenges alone. I want to bear you my testimony that God hears your prayers. He knows you are going through a tough time. He knows you can make it through because He doesn't give His children more than we can handle. Be aware of the way you cope with stress and crisis, don't let in destroy the relationships you have, but rather, let these crisis bring you closer together.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week in class we talked about sexual intimacy and how it effects our family relations. To start off I would like to share a quote from President Henry B. Eyring:

"Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is." 

Most of our education about sex comes from the media. Unfortunately, Satan has done an incredible job making sex seem bad. What happens to us as we keep exposing ourselves to sex? We will think it to be normal and acceptable outside of marriage. We are overexposed to sex everywhere we go and we are becoming numb to its effects. Where do we learn that sex is good?........NO WHERE. Having sex with your partner is a very sacred and special experience for you as a couple. Sex is supernatural and Godlike, the best sex is when each partner is thinking only about the other person. That is why it needs to be saved for after marriage. 

As I have mentioned in previous blog entries, men and women are very different from each other. When it comes down to sexuality it is SO important to understand these differences. One difference is Response cycles for men and women are very different which causes problems such as unsatisfaction miscommunication, and misunderstanding between the couple.

Women need to feel safe before they continue on to have sex. Sex is a decision that she has to flip a switch to decide to do, whereas men, want to have sex to feel secure. This is called the sex security cycle.

Another thing to keep in mind:

Men peak sexually between 18-19 years old

Women peak sexually between 30-35 years old.

Therefore, most children come between the ages of 21-29 on average.

Because the world is so uneducated on the topic of sex, there are many couples who experience affairs. There are 4 types of affairs. 

1. Fantasy: an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge it is taking place

2. Visual: pornography

3. Romantic: emotionally involved with someone other than your spouse

4. Sexual: engagement of sexual acts outside of the marriage bond with or without emotional attachment.

Affairs occur because an individual is not satisfied with their own marriage. That is why it is important to keep what is most precious as close to us as possible. Creating proper boundaries between the couple and outside forces is critical for preventing a possible affair. Subtle threats to marital fidelity stem from friends of the opposite gender, Facebook, family, and fighting, Marriages can be protected if "clear, firm boundaries around a marriage -set from the very beginning- protect and preserve." There are absolutely no benefits for having a friend of the opposite sex after you get married. If you are engaged to be married, a great conversation to have between you and your fiancee/fiance would be about Facebook friends  and friends of the opposite gender. One recommendation to prevent an affair from occurring would be to create a joint Facebook page. 

Healthy boundaries between a husband and wife compared to an unhealthy one look like this:

Now onto my last subject for the day: What can we teach our children about sex, so that they are properly educated? 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has put out an incredible guide with recommendations on what to teach your children at every age. I have only skimmed the surface of the content in this book, but it was divinely written. It starts off by talking about families and our purpose here on earth. Then goes onto teach the parents what to discuss with their children about sex at each age:

Infants/Toddlers (Birth to 3 years)

*teach about being sons and daughter of God

*react properly to young children's discoveries of their bodies

Children (4-11 years)

*teach children to take care of their bodies

*teach the difference between intiment relationships and the kinds of relationships

*teach basic difference between men and women

*teach sexuality

*protect your children from physical and sexual abuse

Adolescents (12-18)

*challenges that will accompany puberty

*they can control their desires for physical intimacy

*help teenagers to have wholesome social experiences

*this is a time for developing spiritual power

Courtship/Marriage

*young men need to know that a young women should be a queen of her own body

*gentleness and consideration is important before and after marriage

*chastity is the crown of beautiful womanhood, self-control is the source of true manhood

*minimize the faults, commend virtues

This is a very sensitive topic to be discussing. There are not a lot of good resources to go to for questions. Which is why I have some suggestions for you all:

*"And They Were Not Ashamed" By: Laura Brotherson

*"Knowing Her Intimately" By: Laura Brotherson

*"A Parents Guide" Provided by LDS.org https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

Transitions in Marriage

Getting married is a very exciting time in your life. It is also a very stressful time. Choosing an eternal companion is the one time in your life that you get to be completely selfish. You do not want to end up marrying a jerk. I hope my last blog post illustrated some ways to avoid marrying the wrong person, if not, I recommend reading the book: "How to avoid falling in love with a jerk" by John Van Epp. I have not personally read it yet, but it is on my to-read list and many of my professors have recommended reading it!
This week in class we talked about the many transitions couples face as they progress in their marriage. Today, there are two major transitions I would like to discuss with you.

#1 Engagement

The first major marital transition a couple experiences is the engagement. I want to ask you all a question: Does the proposal matter? Think about it. I'd love for you all to comment your thoughts about this question. I will share some thoughts from class, but I would like to start a discussion about the importance of the proposal.
Some thoughts:

When a young man asks the father for permission to marry his daughter, he is showing that he is organized and respectful. When a young man is truly sincere and puts effort into asking his girlfriend to be his eternal companion, he is showing he is committed. Personally, I think the proposal should be a personal experience between the young man and young women. It is an important milestone in their relationship that will be cherished for the rest of their life's. When a young man gets down on one knee he is showing vulnerability, humility, and service, This is the sameish position that Christ was in when He washed the feet of His disciples. (See John 13)

My teacher, Brother Williams is a firm believer that marriage starts at the proposal. The patterns and boundaries you set while you are engaged will be the patterns and boundaries you have throughout your whole marriage. This time in your relationship is so crucial to the rest of your life.Yes, planning a wedding can be so much fun, but it only lasts for one night. Your marriage will last throughout eternity. During your engagement you and your fiancé/fiancée need to be having conversations and discussions about the future. What kind of job will you have? Where do you want to live? When will you start your family? Who is going to perform which roles? What patterns and values are you going to establish and follow? Where will we be drawing the boundaries between our friends and family members? The sad reality of today's young adults is they do not have these conversations, they are so focused on the wedding and the excitement of being engaged that they forget about what comes after that. Reality.

#2 Children and Marital Satisfaction 

The second major marital transition I would like to discuss with you is that of the birth of children. The reason that marital satisfaction decreases as you have children is because mothers and fathers grow apart. This occurs because the child is loud and smelly and refuses to sleep at reasonable times.  The child is also demanding and needs constant attention usually from the mother. After every birth of a child, is it scientifically proven that marital satisfaction will take a dip and then level out. The couple’s marital satisfaction will be at its lowest after their last child is born. 

But, on a happy note, the couple’s marital satisfaction will start to increase as their children start to leave the home. It will increase a little and then level out until all their children are gone and they are empty nesters.

Some of the feelings expressed by these couples after their child is born are:

She is frequently preoccupied with the baby.

He is often busy elsewhere.

She thinks he doesn’t care about her needs.

He feels left out.

She feels worn out and wonders if he will ever get involved.

He secretly wonders if they really knew what they were getting into by having children.

All of these thoughts are common responses that many couples in the United States face after the birth of their children. It is important to keep in mind that we can change these statistics by making the husband and wife relationship the most important relationship in our life even with children. With a gospel perspective, we know that we obtain the promised blessings of the Celestial Kingdom with our spouses! We cannot receive those blessings God has in store for us if we are not constantly working on making our marriage stronger. Children are a commandment and will bring much joy and gladness to your life, but at the end of the day, the couples are who we will be throughout eternity.

There are other research findings that I could share with you, but I will end with one last thought from my professor: "Heavenly Father wants your happiness more than you do." I know this to be true. I know that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to return back to Him. We can do this by being obedient to His commandments and participating in the ordinances and covenants that take place in His holy house, the Temple.  I look forward to the day that I can kneel across the alter with the love of my life and be sealed for time and all eternity. 💗

Preparing for Marriage

This week in class we studied and discussed about preparing for marriage. AKA: dating. ;) I am also in a preparation for marriage class on campus where we spend a whole semester about dating and things we need to know before going into marriage. So this blog post will be a combination of the important insights I have learned thus far this semester. Sorry if it is a lengthy post. :)

For starters there are two types of love. The first type is the romantic love. This is commonly referred to physical attraction or hormonal love. This is where you experience the "in-love" experience. You have obsessive thoughts about your significant other, you have butterflies in your stomach, your heart pounds more intensely. If you are experiencing this, you are being influenced by the hormones nor-epinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine.  However, this is just a temporary state of being. It should only last about 2 years, it was not designed to last any longer than that because it is exhausting. This leads us to the second type of love: real love. This is powered by the hormone, oxycontin, which is the bonding hormone. Real love is permanent. It is more rewarding, richer, and fuller than the romantic love.
Please do not misunderstand, romantic love does not go away forever rather your love for them will mature. Here is my definition of real love: To me, real love is knowing another person inside and out. It is a journey through the thick and thin of life. Real love is sacrifice and commitment to and for another person. Real love is not selfish, but rather kind and gentle. But most importantly real love it growing old with another person whom you love and care eternally about. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 explains scripturally what I think real love is “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth."
In a world where Satan has contaminated the meaning of real love, the mind of the youth thinks that real love is magical and all about attraction. I hate to break it to you, but attraction is NOT love! Attraction or in other words hormones, blind you. They make you feel like you are in love. In reality, true love comes after all that mushy gushy stuff passes. Real love is steady and it takes work; hard work. But it is achievable! That is why it is so important to choose your eternal companion wisely. I think President Monson has said it best “choose your love, and love your choice.” It is as simple and as complicated as that. 

So how do we choose wisely?

The first aspect of dating is filters. There are over 7 billion people in the world, how are you supposed to narrow them down to one to marry? The first filter is propinquity, how accessible someone is to you. The second filter is visual appeal, or attractiveness. The third filter is knowing, actually getting to know their personality, how they act in certain situations. 

Once you have narrowed down your search for finding a spouse, we can talk about attachment. Attachment means you are connected to someone in a way that needs are being met. This is where the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model) comes in.

You need to get to know someone before you can trust them. You need to trust someone before you can rely on them. You need to rely on someone before you can commit to them. And lastly, you need to be committed to someone before you can touch them. (kissing, hand holding, sex, etc)

Now you might be wondering how you truly get to know someone. Let me introduce you to the "KnowQuo"

The KnowQuo consists of the 3 T's Time: it takes a minimum of 3 months to even begin to know someone. Talk: This is where you talk about each other. Find out their interests, hobbies, etc. This is also the time where you open up about yourself, this is also known as mutual self disclosure. Togetherness: this means you go on dates. The wider range of activities you share together, the better you get to know them. 

Just a quick note on cohabitation: There are 4 different reasons why people cohabitate. 1. Consider it a "trial run" before marriage 2. They go into it with the intentions of getting married 3. In place of marriage 4. ehh, what the heck. When men and women cohabit they are living parallel life's. They have their own things, obligations, and money. They will most likely follow this same pattern if they do get married. That is why we date, get married, then live together!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Idealy if men and women get to know each other, marriage will bring the couple together as one. 

Word of caution to BYU-Idaho students: The dating patterns here at BYU-I go like this, two people will go on a couple of dates and then declare themselves and item, then they spend EVERY waking minute with each other. This is essentially the same idea as cohabitation. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY MARRIAGE PREPARATION!!!!! I beg you all to really truly get to know each other. See each other in as many situations as you possibly can. Do not slide through dating. 

In conclusion, I want to relate dating back to The Proclamation to The World: The Family. In the Proclamation it states that the roles of the father is to preside, provide, and protect. During the dating process, men are able to practice these roles as we follow the counsel of Elder Oaks and have dates that are planned, paid for, and paired off. Women can practice their roles as nurturers as they validate men, nurture best behavior, and be a safe haven. Women cannot go through the dating time passively. Dating is preparation for marriage!!!!

Gender Roles and Differences

This week in class we talked about gender roles. It was a very eye opening discussion for me to see just how different males and females are. I know that God has a purpose for the differences and our class discussion brought on a whole new meaning for the scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:11 which states: "Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord." The man needs the woman, just as much as the woman needs the man. It comes down to this: males and females NEED each other. Elder Bednar has taught "The natures of males and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together towards exaltation." (2006 Marriage is essential to His eternal plan) There are certain things that men can do and certain things that women can do on their own. However, I am not saying that men can only do manly things, and women can do only feminine things, they can do whatever interests them. BUT together as man and woman, husband and wife are so much better!

I think the thing that stood out to me the most from our discussion about gender was the way the brains of both the male and the female work. Female brains are a big pile of wires that are all connected to each other while male brains are organized into nice, neat boxes that do not overlap or mix with each other. This is better explained in this you-tube video by Mark Gungor entitled "the tale of two brains" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk  I found it interesting how knowing this brain structure difference helps us understand the roles given to mothers and fathers in "The Proclamation to the World: The Family" better. A mother's primary responsibility is to nurture her children. This makes sense as far as brain structure is concerned because mothers have to be aware of so many things at once. She has to be aware of each of her children and their environment and interactions with others and be able to meet the child's needs all at the same time. A father's primary responsibilities according to The Proclamation are to provides, preside, and protect. This makes sense as far as male brain structure is concerned because men need to be focused. If they are ALWAYS worried about leaving their wife and children to go to work, he will not be able to focus on work and providing for his family. I believe that men's brains are designed in a very organized way to fulfill the role that God has given them.

After knowing how the brains of both the male and the female work, understanding male and female tendencies is a lot more clear.
Female Tendencies                                                     Male Tendencies
*Expressive                                                               *Aggressive
*Cooperative                                                             *Competitive
*Detail Oriented                                                        *Sees the Bigger Picture
*Relationship Oriented                                              *Spacial/Task Oriented
*Language                                                                 *Mathematical
*Emotionally Expressive                                          *Logical


It is no wonder that Satan wants to destroy the meaning of gender, and families, and marriage, he doesn't get a body or a family! He wants everyone to be "miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27) I think Sheri Dew has said it best: "Satan understands the power of men and women united in righteousness" That is why "Satan seeks to confuse us about our stewardships and distinctive natures as men and women...He would have us believe men and women are so alike that our unique gifts are not necessary, or so different we can never hope to understand each other. Neither is true." (2001 It is not good for man or woman to be alone)  God made us different for a reason. We complete each other. We each have special qualities that allow us to work together for a greater good. We need each other to teach our children to be well rounded. Together is more effective because children need a mother and a father!!


This video: "It's not about the nail" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg is a comical representation of the differences between men and women. I thought you all would like it. :)

Culture and Social Class

In class this week we talked about how culture and social class effect family life. Let's start with some definitions: 
Family: a group united by marriage, or cohabitation, blood, and/or adoption in order to satisfy intimacy needs and/or bear and socialize children. 
Culture: Attitudes, behaviors, arts, beliefs, and values pertaining to a specific social group.
Social Class: a division of a society based on social and economic status. 
You personal culture mainly comes from family experiences. Think about your traditions. Where did they come from? They probably came from your ancestors. For example, Christmas meals in my family are the same every year because we like to carry on that tradition from generation to generation. 

All cultures are different because everyone has their own way of living. However, that does not mean that one culture is right or wrong. Everyone has the agency to live the way they want. Cultures will clash and some cultures will adapt to new ways of life. The most important thing to keep in mind when you are creating a new family culture is to keep it in line with Heavenly Father's plan. Our ultimate goal in this life as Latter-Day Saints is to return back to our Father in Heaven. We do this by following the commandments that have been placed before us from Heaven. Elder Oaks has said: “This gospel culture comes from the plan of salvation, the commandments of God, and the teachings of the living prophets. To help its members all over the world, the Church teaches us to give up any personal or family traditions or practices that are contrary to this gospel culture.”

 My advice for couples who are serious about marriage is to have a conversation with each other about cultural differences and how you plan on raising your kids to be able to have access to certain resources. My teacher said: "The family, on the other hand, also influences the greater society or the groups to which we belong. Due to the sheer mass of social groups, however, it is easier to be influenced than it is to influence." How do you want your family to influence the world?  To each individual culture, they will probably say their culture is the best because that is what they have grown up in. I do not think one set of values is better than the other, I would say that biases are huge when it comes to this discussion.  I believe that all the different cultures have something to contribute to the world. We can learn from other cultures to be well-rounded citizens. I think God wants us to learn from each other because we are all different. It would be boring if we were all the same.

Another contributor to family life is social class. Some factors of social class include, money, ancestry, behavior, confidence, education, speech, location, dress, etc. People judge others with these factors and most of the time look down or look up to others, comparing who is better. But we need to keep in mind that perceptions are not always reality. We may all look different, but we are spirit sons and daughters of Heavenly parents who love us no matter what! 

Family Theories

This week in class we talked about family theories. The four main ones are systems theory, exchange theory, symbolic interaction theory, and conflict theory.

Systems Theory: In this theory the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Or in other words it is able to see how one person effects the whole family.
Exchange Theory: This theory is easily explained as the "you owe me one" theory. If a relationship consistently costs someone more than it rewards them, they are likely to avoid or end the relationship. It is easily represented by a scale with "give" on one side and "take" on the other.
Symbolic Interaction Theory: This theory states that humans are are cognitive creatures who are shaped by interactions. It also helps explain that humans use symbols to create meaning.
Conflict Theory: This theory focuses on contradictory interests and inequalities such as gender and social status that results in conflict. In short, whoever has the most power is the most influential.

Okay, so now what? Why are these theories so important? Being able to see your family as as system helps you to recognize how your family functions.  Not only that, but seeing your family as a system helps you to see your place in your family as well as the role you play. Every single person who lived, is living, or will live on this earth has a purpose. The whole point of this earth life is to gain a body, be tested a tried, and prove to our Heavenly Father that we are worthy to live in His presence. God created this earth for the purpose of families. The family He placed each of us in needs us, and we need them. Being able to see patterns within your own family tree is of great importance to you because it allows you to see why you do things a certain way. They also show the history of how you became you. You either learn from those who have gone before you or you follow in their footsteps.

As I have been reflecting on my own family I have noticed that we suck at keeping in contact with extended family who do not live near us. We are really good at keeping to ourselves. However, I would like to share a story with you about one of the roles that I play in my family. When I was 12 years old my aunt introduced me to doing family history and I became addicted. I loved finding pictures and stories and documents about who my ancestors really were. I began to realize that the names and dates on the pedigree charts were not just names and dates. They were actual, real life people who once lived on this earth. That was a cool realization.
A few years ago I received a phone call from my great-uncle. Now, do you remember me saying that my family is really good about keeping to ourselves? So you can safely assume I was a little shocked and confused as to why he was calling me. It just so happened to be that Roger had talked to his brother, my grandpa not too long ago (also out of the blue) and the topic of family history came up. Roger had recently retired and was talking a family history class with his wife. Now, something else you should know is Roger has not wanted to share any of the family history stuff that he has. But something must have clicked because he was calling me to tell me that he was going to send me a box of pictures. I was so excited because Roger has all the family history info in our family and all of a sudden was going to share that with us because he learned that I enjoyed family history!! I learned from this experience that I play a crucial role in my family, that is bringing people closer together through family history work. It may sound silly to you, but in my family we seem to all find common ground with family history.

Finding your place in your family system may not be as clear cut as my experience, but it is important to know how your family works in regard to these theories. These theories explain many different relationships and why people interact the way they do.

Family Trends

This past week in class we talked about family trends that are occurring in the world today. When I say "trends" I do not mean what is trendy or trending on social media, but rather I mean "trends" as identifiable patterns. Some of the most noticeable trends include: premarital sex, births to unmarried women, living alone, cohabitation, delayed marriage, birth rates, household size, employed mothers, and divorce.

Here are the stats:
Premarital sex: There has always been premarital sex, but in 2010 a survey said 48% of high schoolers had had sex.
Births to unmarried women: In 2007, 39.7% of births were to unmarried women.
Living alone: In 2009, there were 31.7 million Americans living alone.
Cohabitation: In 2008 there were more than 6.1 million unmarried couples living together.
Delayed marriage: Today the average age for a woman to get married is 26 years and the average age for a man to get married is 28 years.
Birth rates: The average number of children couples have is 2.
Household size: In 2015 the average household size in the US was 2.54 people.
Employed mothers: In 2007, 62.6% of American mothers worked in the workforce. Most of these mothers had children 6 years and younger.
Divorce: This trend is the trickiest to explain, because most people say that the divorce rate is 50% when in reality it is not. People like to exaggerate this number. It is safe to say though, that the number of divorces has increased since the 1960's.

Now, you might be wondering why I just gave you all these statistics. Well, because people are cohabitating, they are delaying marriage. Because people are delaying marriage, birth rates have gone down. Because birth rates have gone down, household size have decreased.

Also, because people are cohabitating, the number of births to unmarried women are increasing. Because births to unmarried women are increasing, the number of employed mothers are increasing.

Are you seeing what I’m seeing? I’ll try one more. The increased number of people living alone also contributes to the smaller average house size. 

From these observations it is easily noted that the idea of a traditional marriage  is not as popular as it used to be.  I don't know about you, but that saddens me. My family means everything to me. I would not be the person I am today without the family relationships that I have. I think Elder L. Tom Perry has said it best: "The family is the center of life and it is the key to eternal happiness." I know that not everyone had the opportunity to grow up in a family with a mother and a father and siblings, but that doesn't mean you can't have one of your own. Satan is working ever so hard to tear apart families and it is our job as the rising generation to build up strong families unto God. That is my hope and my prayer. 

Side Notes:
*Statistics are from the book "Marriage and Family: The quest for intimacy" 8th addition By: Robert and Jeanette Lauer.
*I know some of these statistics are out of date, but I think we all get the point that the value for a marriage and family have gone down tremendously.

My First Blog

Hello! My name is Kaylee Crossley. I am studying Marriage and Family Studies at BYU-Idaho. This semester I am taking a Family Relations class where I will be blogging about the importance of families and other things relating to marriage and the family. I hope you enjoy!