Transitions in Marriage

Getting married is a very exciting time in your life. It is also a very stressful time. Choosing an eternal companion is the one time in your life that you get to be completely selfish. You do not want to end up marrying a jerk. I hope my last blog post illustrated some ways to avoid marrying the wrong person, if not, I recommend reading the book: "How to avoid falling in love with a jerk" by John Van Epp. I have not personally read it yet, but it is on my to-read list and many of my professors have recommended reading it!
This week in class we talked about the many transitions couples face as they progress in their marriage. Today, there are two major transitions I would like to discuss with you.

#1 Engagement

The first major marital transition a couple experiences is the engagement. I want to ask you all a question: Does the proposal matter? Think about it. I'd love for you all to comment your thoughts about this question. I will share some thoughts from class, but I would like to start a discussion about the importance of the proposal.
Some thoughts:

When a young man asks the father for permission to marry his daughter, he is showing that he is organized and respectful. When a young man is truly sincere and puts effort into asking his girlfriend to be his eternal companion, he is showing he is committed. Personally, I think the proposal should be a personal experience between the young man and young women. It is an important milestone in their relationship that will be cherished for the rest of their life's. When a young man gets down on one knee he is showing vulnerability, humility, and service, This is the sameish position that Christ was in when He washed the feet of His disciples. (See John 13)

My teacher, Brother Williams is a firm believer that marriage starts at the proposal. The patterns and boundaries you set while you are engaged will be the patterns and boundaries you have throughout your whole marriage. This time in your relationship is so crucial to the rest of your life.Yes, planning a wedding can be so much fun, but it only lasts for one night. Your marriage will last throughout eternity. During your engagement you and your fiancé/fiancée need to be having conversations and discussions about the future. What kind of job will you have? Where do you want to live? When will you start your family? Who is going to perform which roles? What patterns and values are you going to establish and follow? Where will we be drawing the boundaries between our friends and family members? The sad reality of today's young adults is they do not have these conversations, they are so focused on the wedding and the excitement of being engaged that they forget about what comes after that. Reality.

#2 Children and Marital Satisfaction 

The second major marital transition I would like to discuss with you is that of the birth of children. The reason that marital satisfaction decreases as you have children is because mothers and fathers grow apart. This occurs because the child is loud and smelly and refuses to sleep at reasonable times.  The child is also demanding and needs constant attention usually from the mother. After every birth of a child, is it scientifically proven that marital satisfaction will take a dip and then level out. The couple’s marital satisfaction will be at its lowest after their last child is born. 

But, on a happy note, the couple’s marital satisfaction will start to increase as their children start to leave the home. It will increase a little and then level out until all their children are gone and they are empty nesters.

Some of the feelings expressed by these couples after their child is born are:

She is frequently preoccupied with the baby.

He is often busy elsewhere.

She thinks he doesn’t care about her needs.

He feels left out.

She feels worn out and wonders if he will ever get involved.

He secretly wonders if they really knew what they were getting into by having children.

All of these thoughts are common responses that many couples in the United States face after the birth of their children. It is important to keep in mind that we can change these statistics by making the husband and wife relationship the most important relationship in our life even with children. With a gospel perspective, we know that we obtain the promised blessings of the Celestial Kingdom with our spouses! We cannot receive those blessings God has in store for us if we are not constantly working on making our marriage stronger. Children are a commandment and will bring much joy and gladness to your life, but at the end of the day, the couples are who we will be throughout eternity.

There are other research findings that I could share with you, but I will end with one last thought from my professor: "Heavenly Father wants your happiness more than you do." I know this to be true. I know that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to return back to Him. We can do this by being obedient to His commandments and participating in the ordinances and covenants that take place in His holy house, the Temple.  I look forward to the day that I can kneel across the alter with the love of my life and be sealed for time and all eternity. 💗