When a couple gets a divorce, it is a
really messy situation, especially when children are involved. It is said that
if children are not in a household where both parents were not successful in
developing skills and solving problems together, then it’s going to be hard for
the child to have the skills they need for life because they did not grow up
observing those skills in the home. Some effects of divorce on children leads
to psychological problems, a less likelihood to graduate from high school, low self-esteem, depression, learning problems, emotional pain and suffering, poor social skills, and
a greater chance to get involved in sexual relationships.
After a couple
splits, children lose access to both of their parents. You would think they would lose access to the parent who moved away, but it's actually both. One parent usually moves away,
and the other one has to go to work to support the family now. This leaves the children with their emotional needs not being met. The children now have to accept that things will never be the same. This is really hard for young children because they think of everything literally. Most of the time they still have hopes and dreams that their parents will get back together.
If drugs or
abuse were involved with in the couple and were the cause of the divorce, this
can be hard on children. For example, they may grow up with their mom or dad saying all
these terrible things about their dad or mom, like "he/she was a jerk", "he/she loved his alcohol
more than he/she loved us", "he/she is just a terrible person." These children are going
to grow up thinking that their father/mother is a horrible person even if they never
met him/her. If the mom or dad decides to remarry, and asks the kids what they think about their significant other as a new mom or dad, more likely than not, the kids are going to
respond that they don’t need a mom or dad because they suck. This kind of attitude
sets up a poor view of motherhood and fatherhood for the next generation.
It is interesting to point out that 70% of couples who divorce, 2 years later say they should not have divorced because looking back they could have saved their marriage. This is due to the fact that in the moment of hard times people turn inwards and make rash decisions instead of turning outwards and focusing on the problem at hand. It is not the incompatibilities that are the problem, it is what couple do with their incompatibilities that cause the problems.
If a divorcee does remarry, blending two families can be quite the adventure. Dr. Clifford Sager, a couples therapist gives 4 guidelines for blended families:
1. Give the blended family a minimum of 2 years for normalcy (2 rounds of birthday's, holidays, and summers to figure things out)
2. Remember it;s never going to feel like a 2 biological parent household. It's just different and that's okay.
3. The biological parent should do all the parenting and discipline and heavy corrections.
4. The step-parent should be the equivalence of a really good aunt or uncle.
*Be a role model
*Offer support and advice
*Spend quality time with the children
*Support the other parent
*Set an example
Because divorce and remarriage is a hot topic in the world today, I know many people are affected by it. I personally have not experienced it, but I have witnessed many people close to me experience it. And I can safely say it is not a fun process for anyone involved. My greatest piece of advice to the couples who divorce is: remember your kids. Make sure their feelings are heard and discussed, and make sure your kids know they are loved.
Just for kicks and giggles:
No comments:
Post a Comment