Active Parenting

Marriage and parenting will be two of the hardest things you will ever experience in your life. There are circumstances you never thought you would ever have to face, but parenting tests your limits. In this post I will be discussing ways to actively parent your teenagers. Most of my information will be pulled from our class discussion on the program "active parenting." 

For starters, what are the purposes of parenting? 

I believe the purposes of parenting are to love and care for your children. To help parents become teachers and to learn to love unconditionally. And to help prepare your children for life in the real world. Michael Popkins, the founder of the program "active parenting" describes the purposes of parenting as the following: "to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world in which the will live." All of the verbs he used in his definition were active verbs. Parenting is an active task that you cannot sit passively through and expect your children to eventually figure it out. The most effective parenting advice I can offer to you is this: express love and teach something meaningful. 

By the time children are teenagers, the only real tool you have as a parent is the relationship. That is why it is so important to spend time with your child and personally get to know them. The teenage years are all about exploring the boundaries and pushing limits. Parents should give their children some autonomy as they begin their teenage years, but only as much as they can handle. You do not want to get into a power struggle. Michael Popkins designed a problem handling model to help parents and teens handle problems together. The most important questions to ask when a problem arises is who owns the problem and who wants to fix it? 

Parents should offer polite requests when they need something done. If they teen continues to not obey, use an I statement 

"when you __________

I feel ___________

Because ___________

I would like __________."

If your polite or firm requests and I statements are not influencing your child, let them child learn from natural consequences. This is where the deepest learning will take place. For example, let's say you let your teen drive the car last night, but they forgot to fill up the gas tank and now there isn't enough gas to drive to school this morning. Don't step in and offer them a ride, let your teen learn that by not filling up the car with gas makes them have to take the bus. This natural consequence teaches the teen to remember to fill up the gas tank the night before. 

Punishment in this scenario would not have done the teen any good. What would they have learned? Probably nothing. It is important to set consequences in advanced for problem situations that may arise in the future and then most importantly follow through with your consequences. 

The problem with parenting in today's world is parents are too focused on the behavior rather than the needs of the child being met. Have you ever wondered why your child keeps doing something over and over again? Maybe it's because a basic need is not being met. The top 3 basics needs according to Micheal Popkins are 

1. contact and belonging (advice: offer contact freely and offer opportunities to contribute) 

2. power to choose (advice: teach responsibility. choices+consequences=responsibility) 

3. protection (advice: be there and show you care). 

I strongly believe that parents should be active not reactive when it comes to parenting their children. Really focus on the child and their needs, rather than their disciplining their behavior. I also believe that this is how Heavenly Father parents us. He doesn't spend time punishing us. He spends His time warning us about the natural consequences that will occur if we do not follow His commandments.