Divorce and Remarriage

When a couple gets a divorce, it is a really messy situation, especially when children are involved. It is said that if children are not in a household where both parents were not successful in developing skills and solving problems together, then it’s going to be hard for the child to have the skills they need for life because they did not grow up observing those skills in the home. Some effects of divorce on children leads to psychological problems, a less likelihood to graduate from high school, low self-esteem, depression, learning problems, emotional pain and suffering, poor social skills, and a greater chance to get involved in sexual relationships. 

After a couple splits, children lose access to both of their parents. You would think they would lose access to the parent who moved away, but it's actually both. One parent usually moves away, and the other one has to go to work to support the family now. This leaves the children with their emotional needs not being met. The children now have to accept that things will never be the same. This is really hard for young children because they think of everything literally. Most of the time they still have hopes and dreams that their parents will get back together.

If drugs or abuse were involved with in the couple and were the cause of the divorce, this can be hard on children. For example, they may grow up with their mom or dad saying all these terrible things about their dad or mom, like "he/she was a jerk", "he/she loved his alcohol more than he/she loved us", "he/she is just a terrible person." These children are going to grow up thinking that their father/mother is a horrible person even if they never met him/her. If the mom or dad decides to remarry, and asks the kids what they think about their significant other as a new mom or dad, more likely than not, the kids are going to respond that they don’t need a mom or dad because they suck. This kind of attitude sets up a poor view of motherhood and fatherhood for the next generation. 

It is interesting to point out that 70% of couples who divorce, 2 years later say they should not have divorced because looking back they could have saved their marriage. This is due to the fact that in the moment of hard times people turn inwards and make rash decisions instead of turning outwards and focusing on the problem at hand. It is not the incompatibilities that are the problem, it is what couple do with their incompatibilities that cause the problems. 

If a divorcee does remarry, blending two families can be quite the adventure. Dr. Clifford Sager, a couples therapist gives 4 guidelines for blended families:

1. Give the blended family a minimum of 2 years for normalcy (2 rounds of birthday's, holidays, and summers to figure things out)

2. Remember it;s never going to feel like a 2 biological parent household. It's just different and that's okay.

3. The biological parent should do all the parenting and discipline and heavy corrections.

4. The step-parent should be the equivalence of a really good aunt or uncle. 

*Be a role model

*Offer support and advice

*Spend quality time with the children

*Support the other parent

*Set an example 

Because divorce and remarriage is a hot topic in the world today, I know many people are affected by it. I personally have not experienced it, but I have witnessed many people close to me experience it. And I can safely say it is not a fun process for anyone involved. My greatest piece of advice to the couples who divorce is: remember your kids. Make sure their feelings are heard and discussed, and make sure your kids know they are loved.

Just for kicks and giggles:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w168vuhjRo

        

Active Parenting

Marriage and parenting will be two of the hardest things you will ever experience in your life. There are circumstances you never thought you would ever have to face, but parenting tests your limits. In this post I will be discussing ways to actively parent your teenagers. Most of my information will be pulled from our class discussion on the program "active parenting." 

For starters, what are the purposes of parenting? 

I believe the purposes of parenting are to love and care for your children. To help parents become teachers and to learn to love unconditionally. And to help prepare your children for life in the real world. Michael Popkins, the founder of the program "active parenting" describes the purposes of parenting as the following: "to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world in which the will live." All of the verbs he used in his definition were active verbs. Parenting is an active task that you cannot sit passively through and expect your children to eventually figure it out. The most effective parenting advice I can offer to you is this: express love and teach something meaningful. 

By the time children are teenagers, the only real tool you have as a parent is the relationship. That is why it is so important to spend time with your child and personally get to know them. The teenage years are all about exploring the boundaries and pushing limits. Parents should give their children some autonomy as they begin their teenage years, but only as much as they can handle. You do not want to get into a power struggle. Michael Popkins designed a problem handling model to help parents and teens handle problems together. The most important questions to ask when a problem arises is who owns the problem and who wants to fix it? 

Parents should offer polite requests when they need something done. If they teen continues to not obey, use an I statement 

"when you __________

I feel ___________

Because ___________

I would like __________."

If your polite or firm requests and I statements are not influencing your child, let them child learn from natural consequences. This is where the deepest learning will take place. For example, let's say you let your teen drive the car last night, but they forgot to fill up the gas tank and now there isn't enough gas to drive to school this morning. Don't step in and offer them a ride, let your teen learn that by not filling up the car with gas makes them have to take the bus. This natural consequence teaches the teen to remember to fill up the gas tank the night before. 

Punishment in this scenario would not have done the teen any good. What would they have learned? Probably nothing. It is important to set consequences in advanced for problem situations that may arise in the future and then most importantly follow through with your consequences. 

The problem with parenting in today's world is parents are too focused on the behavior rather than the needs of the child being met. Have you ever wondered why your child keeps doing something over and over again? Maybe it's because a basic need is not being met. The top 3 basics needs according to Micheal Popkins are 

1. contact and belonging (advice: offer contact freely and offer opportunities to contribute) 

2. power to choose (advice: teach responsibility. choices+consequences=responsibility) 

3. protection (advice: be there and show you care). 

I strongly believe that parents should be active not reactive when it comes to parenting their children. Really focus on the child and their needs, rather than their disciplining their behavior. I also believe that this is how Heavenly Father parents us. He doesn't spend time punishing us. He spends His time warning us about the natural consequences that will occur if we do not follow His commandments. 

Parenthood

As a couple one of the most important and meaningful conversations you can have is how you are going to distribute responsibilities and roles within your family unit. This should be a thoughtful conversation with the needs of each other and your children in mind. Questions like “Who is going to work and where?”, “Who will be in charge of the finances?”, “How will we divvy up housework?”, and “Will Mom need to work?”  The list can go on and on.

Since the beginning of time, starting with Adam and Eve, people have used the resources of the land to make family life enjoyable. Families were always together, sharing roles of homemaker, and worker. The whole family shared in chores, and working in the fields outside. Family time was important to the whole family. It wasn’t until the 1800’s when the industrial revolution started, where families started to separate from the home being the center of family life. Father’s started working outside of the home in factories. As time progressed children went off to school, which left the Mother at home by herself to do all the housework by herself. Fast forwarding a little more, some mother’s started to enter the work force, and suddenly, the once recognizable family was now scattered all over the place.

For a second, I would like to speak to the stay-at-home-moms. THANK YOU!!! In a world where we are constantly told that women should not be in the home, I applaud you for fulfilling your God given responsibility to nurture you children in the home. Now, I understand that under certain circumstances mothers need to work. I applaud those women for being able to provide for your family and nurture your little ones. That is hard work. I encourage all women to continue in their education, it is of significant value to you and to your family. For all those mothers out there, here is the impact you make on your children: “A mother’s implementation of ordinary, daily practices of health and safety make her the central influence in preserving and nurturing life. A mother’s use of language in ordinary interactions expressing, explaining, and questioning make her the most significant influence in a child’s cognitive development. And a mother’s sensitivity and responsiveness to emotion make her the foundation of a child’s social-emotional strength. That is why her education matters so much.” (Jenet Jacob Erickson) http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865587127/A-womans-education-is-not-wasted-in-the-home.html

Now I would like to speak to all the hard working Dads out there. THANK YOU!!! In the world where the media portrays Father’s as dumb, stupid, drunk, or just simply not there, I applaud you for fulfilling your God giving responsibilities to preside, provide, and protect your family. I encourage you to continue to strive to be like our Father in Heaven as you and your wife raise you children in this fallen world. Elder Christofferson has taught: “The perfect, divine expression of fatherhood is our Heavenly Father. His character and attributes include abundant goodness and perfect love. His work and glory are the development, happiness, and eternal life of His children. Fathers in this fallen world can claim nothing comparable to the Majesty on High, but at their best, they are striving to emulate Him, and they indeed labor in His work. They are honored with a remarkable and sobering trust.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/fathers?lang=eng

“The Family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” This statement in the proclamation to the world: the family, is important to understand the need for families. The family is the structure we were in while we were in heaven. It is the structure that works. It is the only structure that brings us happiness and can lead us back home to our heavenly family. Within the family unit there is a lot of learning to be had. The most important lesson you can learn in a family is work. In the article “family work” by Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless, they state: “Helping one another nurture children, care for the land, prepare food, and clean homes can bind lives together. This is the power of family work, and it is this power, available in every home, no matter how troubled, that can end the turmoil of the family, begin to change the world, and bring again Zion.” https://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/ It is in the family where we learn to work to become one. 

Communication

"Relationships cannot grow without the proper amount of communication" --Unknown

There are 3 mediums in which individuals communicate. 
14% is Words
35% is Tone                             
51% is Nonverbal

When you are trying to communicate with someone, you are trying to get someone to see your view on a subject by encoding messages through the three mediums. Take a look at the chart below. This is called "The Feedback Loop" If communicated effectively, someone will speak while the other person listens and tries to figure out what they are saying, and then relate back to them their understanding. Encoding and decoding are the key to conversation. This also furthers the point that it takes 2 to communicate. 

Communication is important in all relationships. But most important when it comes to family relationships, especially our spouse.  To avoid major conflicts and power struggles within your marriage may I suggest some "good fighting" techniques--if you will, from our textbook.
1. Maintain Your Perspective: "there are some things not worth fighting about"
2. Develop Tension Outlets: let go of some tension
3. Avoid Festering Resentment: "practice forgiveness" 
4. Be Sensitive to Timing: take a break. come back to your arguments when both of you are rationally and emotionally stable
5. Communicate without Ceasing: don't use the silent treatment to handle conflict 
6. Be flexible, Willing to Compromise: "give in when the issue does not matter that much to you and prepare to compromise when the issue is important to you
7. Use Conflict to Attack Problems, Not Your Spouse: focus your energy on solving the problem not the destroying the relationship
8. Keep Loving while You Are Fighting: love always 💗

One of the major marital problems couples face today is making decisions together as one. That is why communication is so important in our relationships. In order to make decisions together, we must know how to communicate. 
There are two ways in which people arrive at conclusions for decisions:
1. Compromise: Each one of us trying to get what we want. Or enough to be satisfied. 
2. Consensus: Seeking to learn God's will by setting aside our personal preferences.
I will expand on the latter. 
Elder M. Russell Ballard a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles for the last 15-20+ years has given countless training on ward and family counsels. He has written a book called "Counseling our Counsels" which discusses the principles of communication within wards and families. Here is a talk that also has some good information in it for strengthening family and ward communication through counsels. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/strength-in-counsel?lang=eng

I would like to now share with you the process in which the general authorities come to a consensus for matters regarding the Lord's church. This is pretty insightful, so pay close attention. :)
First thing to note is the brethren (1st presidency and the 12 apostles) have a set time and place for their weekly counsel meetings. Every Thursday morning in the Temple and they also have an agenda for what they would like to discuss. Now here is the cool part: Does everyone know what a Chiasm is? It is "a rhetorical or literary figure in which words, grammatical constructions, or concepts are repeated in reverse order, in the same or a modified form" One of the most common examples is Mosiah 3:18-19 

Okay, back to the brethren:
a. They come about 15 minutes early to express love and appreciation towards each other
     b. They start with a word of prayer to invite the spirit to guide them to knowing God's Will 
          c. They discuss to consensus
     b. They end with a word of prayer, asking for the Spirit to continue to guide them to God's Will
a. They share refreshments with each other (ex. Chocolate and Pie) and again express appreciation

During the time they are discussing, everyone's opinion on the matter is expressed. Each of the 15 brethren have time to discuss individually, then discuss to a consensus. This pattern is so cool because what are the chances of 15 people from different perspectives can come to a conclusions on a matter anywhere else but the church? It is unnatural. The key here, is the Spirit. Here is a video of two of the brethren sharing their testimonies on this process https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QeooJLWlkA

We too can follow this pattern of decision making in our own homes and families. What would happen if you counsel with your kids and family units on a regular basis? Every member would be able to participate in the decision making process of the family. And in so doing, the family would come closer together as one. And isn't that the goal? To become ONE with the Father?    

Family Crisis and Stress

I'm not going to lie. This semester has been extremely trying on every level. I feel like things keep happening right after another and there is so break. Ever. After describing some of the things I have been going through to a friend, they recommended a talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin entitled "Sunday Will Come." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/sunday-will-come?lang=eng I am so grateful for this talk, and for a reassurance that our trials do end. They end because our Savior, Jesus Christ paid the price for us to be able to overcome anything. I defiantly recommend this talk to everyone who is going through a hard time right now. Here is just a little insight to what Elder Wirthlin has to say 

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

Every family will experience hard and stressful times. That is part of life. We shouted for joy to come to earth to get a body and gain earthly experience, knowing full well that trials would be part of this mortal experience.   

A lesson in life that we all need to learn is: "You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." I learned in class this past week just how important a strong family system is during times of crisis and stress. Crisis' effect the whole family whether you want it to or not. Reuben Hill in 1958 created a way to express a crisis on a family using an equation. He called it the ABCX model. Most of us focus on the experience and don't talk about what is going on, let alone look for resources to help us. It is important to recognize all three aspects that make up the experience.

It is important to understand that a stressor and a crisis are two different ideas:
Stressor:  puts pressure on a system, but the system will bounce back
Crisis: a temporary or permanent change in a family
I think the Chinese have the best definition of crisis. They have two brush strokes to describe the word crisis. One stroke represents danger and the other stroke represents opportunity. I would say that most times when we are given a challenge in life, it is a time for us to learn and to grow from the experience.

I think it is safe to say that everyone deals with stress differently.
Ineffective Coping Patterns
*Denial: not believing what you observe
*Avoidance: admit there is a problem, but avoid confronting and dealing with it
*Scapegoating: admit there is a problem, but shift the blame to someone else so that you don't have to feel responsible for the situation
Tools for Effective Coping
*Take responsibility
*Affirm your own worth and your family's worth
*Balance self-control with self-concern
*learn the art of re-framing
*Find and use available resources

The most important thing during a crisis is to stay close together as a family. Most crisis are usually aimed at tearing the family apart. Imagine you are standing in a circle holding hands with your family and someone comes behind each of you and tries to pull you down. You will each feel the stress in a different way, Sometimes it will be directly on you, other times it will be on someone else.  But if you face the crisis together as a family, you will be able to prepare for the stress that will affect your family by holding tighter to each other and adjusting to help others.

Another way to describe effective coping is through an analogy of a coping saw and crown molding. The way you put up molding in a room is to start with the shortest wall. You measure the wall and pick out a piece of molding that is about the same length. You then cut the molding using a coping saw to make minuscule changes to the end of the molding to fit perfectly with the other end, so that the two pieces fit together seamlessly. This prepares it for temperature changes, you will not see the wood fluctuate because the two pieces of molding--if done correctly--will press against each other for support.
~So how does this apply to how we cope with stress?~
Start with the things you can handle and build up to the harder things. Take time to cope wisely, that way when a crisis does hit your life, you cannot visibly see the fluctuation this crisis may cause because you turned to your family for support.

Family systems who work together can face some very difficult things. Which is why it is so important to have a father and a mother who work together as equal partners. Now, I know not everyone is in a situation where you have a mother and a father working together as equal partners. I get that. Some of you may only have one parent, or none. You may be facing crisis and challenges alone. I want to bear you my testimony that God hears your prayers. He knows you are going through a tough time. He knows you can make it through because He doesn't give His children more than we can handle. Be aware of the way you cope with stress and crisis, don't let in destroy the relationships you have, but rather, let these crisis bring you closer together.