Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week in class we talked about sexual intimacy and how it effects our family relations. To start off I would like to share a quote from President Henry B. Eyring:

"Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is." 

Most of our education about sex comes from the media. Unfortunately, Satan has done an incredible job making sex seem bad. What happens to us as we keep exposing ourselves to sex? We will think it to be normal and acceptable outside of marriage. We are overexposed to sex everywhere we go and we are becoming numb to its effects. Where do we learn that sex is good?........NO WHERE. Having sex with your partner is a very sacred and special experience for you as a couple. Sex is supernatural and Godlike, the best sex is when each partner is thinking only about the other person. That is why it needs to be saved for after marriage. 

As I have mentioned in previous blog entries, men and women are very different from each other. When it comes down to sexuality it is SO important to understand these differences. One difference is Response cycles for men and women are very different which causes problems such as unsatisfaction miscommunication, and misunderstanding between the couple.

Women need to feel safe before they continue on to have sex. Sex is a decision that she has to flip a switch to decide to do, whereas men, want to have sex to feel secure. This is called the sex security cycle.

Another thing to keep in mind:

Men peak sexually between 18-19 years old

Women peak sexually between 30-35 years old.

Therefore, most children come between the ages of 21-29 on average.

Because the world is so uneducated on the topic of sex, there are many couples who experience affairs. There are 4 types of affairs. 

1. Fantasy: an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge it is taking place

2. Visual: pornography

3. Romantic: emotionally involved with someone other than your spouse

4. Sexual: engagement of sexual acts outside of the marriage bond with or without emotional attachment.

Affairs occur because an individual is not satisfied with their own marriage. That is why it is important to keep what is most precious as close to us as possible. Creating proper boundaries between the couple and outside forces is critical for preventing a possible affair. Subtle threats to marital fidelity stem from friends of the opposite gender, Facebook, family, and fighting, Marriages can be protected if "clear, firm boundaries around a marriage -set from the very beginning- protect and preserve." There are absolutely no benefits for having a friend of the opposite sex after you get married. If you are engaged to be married, a great conversation to have between you and your fiancee/fiance would be about Facebook friends  and friends of the opposite gender. One recommendation to prevent an affair from occurring would be to create a joint Facebook page. 

Healthy boundaries between a husband and wife compared to an unhealthy one look like this:

Now onto my last subject for the day: What can we teach our children about sex, so that they are properly educated? 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has put out an incredible guide with recommendations on what to teach your children at every age. I have only skimmed the surface of the content in this book, but it was divinely written. It starts off by talking about families and our purpose here on earth. Then goes onto teach the parents what to discuss with their children about sex at each age:

Infants/Toddlers (Birth to 3 years)

*teach about being sons and daughter of God

*react properly to young children's discoveries of their bodies

Children (4-11 years)

*teach children to take care of their bodies

*teach the difference between intiment relationships and the kinds of relationships

*teach basic difference between men and women

*teach sexuality

*protect your children from physical and sexual abuse

Adolescents (12-18)

*challenges that will accompany puberty

*they can control their desires for physical intimacy

*help teenagers to have wholesome social experiences

*this is a time for developing spiritual power

Courtship/Marriage

*young men need to know that a young women should be a queen of her own body

*gentleness and consideration is important before and after marriage

*chastity is the crown of beautiful womanhood, self-control is the source of true manhood

*minimize the faults, commend virtues

This is a very sensitive topic to be discussing. There are not a lot of good resources to go to for questions. Which is why I have some suggestions for you all:

*"And They Were Not Ashamed" By: Laura Brotherson

*"Knowing Her Intimately" By: Laura Brotherson

*"A Parents Guide" Provided by LDS.org https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

Transitions in Marriage

Getting married is a very exciting time in your life. It is also a very stressful time. Choosing an eternal companion is the one time in your life that you get to be completely selfish. You do not want to end up marrying a jerk. I hope my last blog post illustrated some ways to avoid marrying the wrong person, if not, I recommend reading the book: "How to avoid falling in love with a jerk" by John Van Epp. I have not personally read it yet, but it is on my to-read list and many of my professors have recommended reading it!
This week in class we talked about the many transitions couples face as they progress in their marriage. Today, there are two major transitions I would like to discuss with you.

#1 Engagement

The first major marital transition a couple experiences is the engagement. I want to ask you all a question: Does the proposal matter? Think about it. I'd love for you all to comment your thoughts about this question. I will share some thoughts from class, but I would like to start a discussion about the importance of the proposal.
Some thoughts:

When a young man asks the father for permission to marry his daughter, he is showing that he is organized and respectful. When a young man is truly sincere and puts effort into asking his girlfriend to be his eternal companion, he is showing he is committed. Personally, I think the proposal should be a personal experience between the young man and young women. It is an important milestone in their relationship that will be cherished for the rest of their life's. When a young man gets down on one knee he is showing vulnerability, humility, and service, This is the sameish position that Christ was in when He washed the feet of His disciples. (See John 13)

My teacher, Brother Williams is a firm believer that marriage starts at the proposal. The patterns and boundaries you set while you are engaged will be the patterns and boundaries you have throughout your whole marriage. This time in your relationship is so crucial to the rest of your life.Yes, planning a wedding can be so much fun, but it only lasts for one night. Your marriage will last throughout eternity. During your engagement you and your fiancé/fiancée need to be having conversations and discussions about the future. What kind of job will you have? Where do you want to live? When will you start your family? Who is going to perform which roles? What patterns and values are you going to establish and follow? Where will we be drawing the boundaries between our friends and family members? The sad reality of today's young adults is they do not have these conversations, they are so focused on the wedding and the excitement of being engaged that they forget about what comes after that. Reality.

#2 Children and Marital Satisfaction 

The second major marital transition I would like to discuss with you is that of the birth of children. The reason that marital satisfaction decreases as you have children is because mothers and fathers grow apart. This occurs because the child is loud and smelly and refuses to sleep at reasonable times.  The child is also demanding and needs constant attention usually from the mother. After every birth of a child, is it scientifically proven that marital satisfaction will take a dip and then level out. The couple’s marital satisfaction will be at its lowest after their last child is born. 

But, on a happy note, the couple’s marital satisfaction will start to increase as their children start to leave the home. It will increase a little and then level out until all their children are gone and they are empty nesters.

Some of the feelings expressed by these couples after their child is born are:

She is frequently preoccupied with the baby.

He is often busy elsewhere.

She thinks he doesn’t care about her needs.

He feels left out.

She feels worn out and wonders if he will ever get involved.

He secretly wonders if they really knew what they were getting into by having children.

All of these thoughts are common responses that many couples in the United States face after the birth of their children. It is important to keep in mind that we can change these statistics by making the husband and wife relationship the most important relationship in our life even with children. With a gospel perspective, we know that we obtain the promised blessings of the Celestial Kingdom with our spouses! We cannot receive those blessings God has in store for us if we are not constantly working on making our marriage stronger. Children are a commandment and will bring much joy and gladness to your life, but at the end of the day, the couples are who we will be throughout eternity.

There are other research findings that I could share with you, but I will end with one last thought from my professor: "Heavenly Father wants your happiness more than you do." I know this to be true. I know that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to return back to Him. We can do this by being obedient to His commandments and participating in the ordinances and covenants that take place in His holy house, the Temple.  I look forward to the day that I can kneel across the alter with the love of my life and be sealed for time and all eternity. 💗

Preparing for Marriage

This week in class we studied and discussed about preparing for marriage. AKA: dating. ;) I am also in a preparation for marriage class on campus where we spend a whole semester about dating and things we need to know before going into marriage. So this blog post will be a combination of the important insights I have learned thus far this semester. Sorry if it is a lengthy post. :)

For starters there are two types of love. The first type is the romantic love. This is commonly referred to physical attraction or hormonal love. This is where you experience the "in-love" experience. You have obsessive thoughts about your significant other, you have butterflies in your stomach, your heart pounds more intensely. If you are experiencing this, you are being influenced by the hormones nor-epinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine.  However, this is just a temporary state of being. It should only last about 2 years, it was not designed to last any longer than that because it is exhausting. This leads us to the second type of love: real love. This is powered by the hormone, oxycontin, which is the bonding hormone. Real love is permanent. It is more rewarding, richer, and fuller than the romantic love.
Please do not misunderstand, romantic love does not go away forever rather your love for them will mature. Here is my definition of real love: To me, real love is knowing another person inside and out. It is a journey through the thick and thin of life. Real love is sacrifice and commitment to and for another person. Real love is not selfish, but rather kind and gentle. But most importantly real love it growing old with another person whom you love and care eternally about. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 explains scripturally what I think real love is “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth."
In a world where Satan has contaminated the meaning of real love, the mind of the youth thinks that real love is magical and all about attraction. I hate to break it to you, but attraction is NOT love! Attraction or in other words hormones, blind you. They make you feel like you are in love. In reality, true love comes after all that mushy gushy stuff passes. Real love is steady and it takes work; hard work. But it is achievable! That is why it is so important to choose your eternal companion wisely. I think President Monson has said it best “choose your love, and love your choice.” It is as simple and as complicated as that. 

So how do we choose wisely?

The first aspect of dating is filters. There are over 7 billion people in the world, how are you supposed to narrow them down to one to marry? The first filter is propinquity, how accessible someone is to you. The second filter is visual appeal, or attractiveness. The third filter is knowing, actually getting to know their personality, how they act in certain situations. 

Once you have narrowed down your search for finding a spouse, we can talk about attachment. Attachment means you are connected to someone in a way that needs are being met. This is where the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model) comes in.

You need to get to know someone before you can trust them. You need to trust someone before you can rely on them. You need to rely on someone before you can commit to them. And lastly, you need to be committed to someone before you can touch them. (kissing, hand holding, sex, etc)

Now you might be wondering how you truly get to know someone. Let me introduce you to the "KnowQuo"

The KnowQuo consists of the 3 T's Time: it takes a minimum of 3 months to even begin to know someone. Talk: This is where you talk about each other. Find out their interests, hobbies, etc. This is also the time where you open up about yourself, this is also known as mutual self disclosure. Togetherness: this means you go on dates. The wider range of activities you share together, the better you get to know them. 

Just a quick note on cohabitation: There are 4 different reasons why people cohabitate. 1. Consider it a "trial run" before marriage 2. They go into it with the intentions of getting married 3. In place of marriage 4. ehh, what the heck. When men and women cohabit they are living parallel life's. They have their own things, obligations, and money. They will most likely follow this same pattern if they do get married. That is why we date, get married, then live together!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Idealy if men and women get to know each other, marriage will bring the couple together as one. 

Word of caution to BYU-Idaho students: The dating patterns here at BYU-I go like this, two people will go on a couple of dates and then declare themselves and item, then they spend EVERY waking minute with each other. This is essentially the same idea as cohabitation. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY MARRIAGE PREPARATION!!!!! I beg you all to really truly get to know each other. See each other in as many situations as you possibly can. Do not slide through dating. 

In conclusion, I want to relate dating back to The Proclamation to The World: The Family. In the Proclamation it states that the roles of the father is to preside, provide, and protect. During the dating process, men are able to practice these roles as we follow the counsel of Elder Oaks and have dates that are planned, paid for, and paired off. Women can practice their roles as nurturers as they validate men, nurture best behavior, and be a safe haven. Women cannot go through the dating time passively. Dating is preparation for marriage!!!!

Gender Roles and Differences

This week in class we talked about gender roles. It was a very eye opening discussion for me to see just how different males and females are. I know that God has a purpose for the differences and our class discussion brought on a whole new meaning for the scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:11 which states: "Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord." The man needs the woman, just as much as the woman needs the man. It comes down to this: males and females NEED each other. Elder Bednar has taught "The natures of males and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together towards exaltation." (2006 Marriage is essential to His eternal plan) There are certain things that men can do and certain things that women can do on their own. However, I am not saying that men can only do manly things, and women can do only feminine things, they can do whatever interests them. BUT together as man and woman, husband and wife are so much better!

I think the thing that stood out to me the most from our discussion about gender was the way the brains of both the male and the female work. Female brains are a big pile of wires that are all connected to each other while male brains are organized into nice, neat boxes that do not overlap or mix with each other. This is better explained in this you-tube video by Mark Gungor entitled "the tale of two brains" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk  I found it interesting how knowing this brain structure difference helps us understand the roles given to mothers and fathers in "The Proclamation to the World: The Family" better. A mother's primary responsibility is to nurture her children. This makes sense as far as brain structure is concerned because mothers have to be aware of so many things at once. She has to be aware of each of her children and their environment and interactions with others and be able to meet the child's needs all at the same time. A father's primary responsibilities according to The Proclamation are to provides, preside, and protect. This makes sense as far as male brain structure is concerned because men need to be focused. If they are ALWAYS worried about leaving their wife and children to go to work, he will not be able to focus on work and providing for his family. I believe that men's brains are designed in a very organized way to fulfill the role that God has given them.

After knowing how the brains of both the male and the female work, understanding male and female tendencies is a lot more clear.
Female Tendencies                                                     Male Tendencies
*Expressive                                                               *Aggressive
*Cooperative                                                             *Competitive
*Detail Oriented                                                        *Sees the Bigger Picture
*Relationship Oriented                                              *Spacial/Task Oriented
*Language                                                                 *Mathematical
*Emotionally Expressive                                          *Logical


It is no wonder that Satan wants to destroy the meaning of gender, and families, and marriage, he doesn't get a body or a family! He wants everyone to be "miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27) I think Sheri Dew has said it best: "Satan understands the power of men and women united in righteousness" That is why "Satan seeks to confuse us about our stewardships and distinctive natures as men and women...He would have us believe men and women are so alike that our unique gifts are not necessary, or so different we can never hope to understand each other. Neither is true." (2001 It is not good for man or woman to be alone)  God made us different for a reason. We complete each other. We each have special qualities that allow us to work together for a greater good. We need each other to teach our children to be well rounded. Together is more effective because children need a mother and a father!!


This video: "It's not about the nail" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg is a comical representation of the differences between men and women. I thought you all would like it. :)