Divorce and Remarriage

When a couple gets a divorce, it is a really messy situation, especially when children are involved. It is said that if children are not in a household where both parents were not successful in developing skills and solving problems together, then it’s going to be hard for the child to have the skills they need for life because they did not grow up observing those skills in the home. Some effects of divorce on children leads to psychological problems, a less likelihood to graduate from high school, low self-esteem, depression, learning problems, emotional pain and suffering, poor social skills, and a greater chance to get involved in sexual relationships. 

After a couple splits, children lose access to both of their parents. You would think they would lose access to the parent who moved away, but it's actually both. One parent usually moves away, and the other one has to go to work to support the family now. This leaves the children with their emotional needs not being met. The children now have to accept that things will never be the same. This is really hard for young children because they think of everything literally. Most of the time they still have hopes and dreams that their parents will get back together.

If drugs or abuse were involved with in the couple and were the cause of the divorce, this can be hard on children. For example, they may grow up with their mom or dad saying all these terrible things about their dad or mom, like "he/she was a jerk", "he/she loved his alcohol more than he/she loved us", "he/she is just a terrible person." These children are going to grow up thinking that their father/mother is a horrible person even if they never met him/her. If the mom or dad decides to remarry, and asks the kids what they think about their significant other as a new mom or dad, more likely than not, the kids are going to respond that they don’t need a mom or dad because they suck. This kind of attitude sets up a poor view of motherhood and fatherhood for the next generation. 

It is interesting to point out that 70% of couples who divorce, 2 years later say they should not have divorced because looking back they could have saved their marriage. This is due to the fact that in the moment of hard times people turn inwards and make rash decisions instead of turning outwards and focusing on the problem at hand. It is not the incompatibilities that are the problem, it is what couple do with their incompatibilities that cause the problems. 

If a divorcee does remarry, blending two families can be quite the adventure. Dr. Clifford Sager, a couples therapist gives 4 guidelines for blended families:

1. Give the blended family a minimum of 2 years for normalcy (2 rounds of birthday's, holidays, and summers to figure things out)

2. Remember it;s never going to feel like a 2 biological parent household. It's just different and that's okay.

3. The biological parent should do all the parenting and discipline and heavy corrections.

4. The step-parent should be the equivalence of a really good aunt or uncle. 

*Be a role model

*Offer support and advice

*Spend quality time with the children

*Support the other parent

*Set an example 

Because divorce and remarriage is a hot topic in the world today, I know many people are affected by it. I personally have not experienced it, but I have witnessed many people close to me experience it. And I can safely say it is not a fun process for anyone involved. My greatest piece of advice to the couples who divorce is: remember your kids. Make sure their feelings are heard and discussed, and make sure your kids know they are loved.

Just for kicks and giggles:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w168vuhjRo

        

Active Parenting

Marriage and parenting will be two of the hardest things you will ever experience in your life. There are circumstances you never thought you would ever have to face, but parenting tests your limits. In this post I will be discussing ways to actively parent your teenagers. Most of my information will be pulled from our class discussion on the program "active parenting." 

For starters, what are the purposes of parenting? 

I believe the purposes of parenting are to love and care for your children. To help parents become teachers and to learn to love unconditionally. And to help prepare your children for life in the real world. Michael Popkins, the founder of the program "active parenting" describes the purposes of parenting as the following: "to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world in which the will live." All of the verbs he used in his definition were active verbs. Parenting is an active task that you cannot sit passively through and expect your children to eventually figure it out. The most effective parenting advice I can offer to you is this: express love and teach something meaningful. 

By the time children are teenagers, the only real tool you have as a parent is the relationship. That is why it is so important to spend time with your child and personally get to know them. The teenage years are all about exploring the boundaries and pushing limits. Parents should give their children some autonomy as they begin their teenage years, but only as much as they can handle. You do not want to get into a power struggle. Michael Popkins designed a problem handling model to help parents and teens handle problems together. The most important questions to ask when a problem arises is who owns the problem and who wants to fix it? 

Parents should offer polite requests when they need something done. If they teen continues to not obey, use an I statement 

"when you __________

I feel ___________

Because ___________

I would like __________."

If your polite or firm requests and I statements are not influencing your child, let them child learn from natural consequences. This is where the deepest learning will take place. For example, let's say you let your teen drive the car last night, but they forgot to fill up the gas tank and now there isn't enough gas to drive to school this morning. Don't step in and offer them a ride, let your teen learn that by not filling up the car with gas makes them have to take the bus. This natural consequence teaches the teen to remember to fill up the gas tank the night before. 

Punishment in this scenario would not have done the teen any good. What would they have learned? Probably nothing. It is important to set consequences in advanced for problem situations that may arise in the future and then most importantly follow through with your consequences. 

The problem with parenting in today's world is parents are too focused on the behavior rather than the needs of the child being met. Have you ever wondered why your child keeps doing something over and over again? Maybe it's because a basic need is not being met. The top 3 basics needs according to Micheal Popkins are 

1. contact and belonging (advice: offer contact freely and offer opportunities to contribute) 

2. power to choose (advice: teach responsibility. choices+consequences=responsibility) 

3. protection (advice: be there and show you care). 

I strongly believe that parents should be active not reactive when it comes to parenting their children. Really focus on the child and their needs, rather than their disciplining their behavior. I also believe that this is how Heavenly Father parents us. He doesn't spend time punishing us. He spends His time warning us about the natural consequences that will occur if we do not follow His commandments. 

Parenthood

As a couple one of the most important and meaningful conversations you can have is how you are going to distribute responsibilities and roles within your family unit. This should be a thoughtful conversation with the needs of each other and your children in mind. Questions like “Who is going to work and where?”, “Who will be in charge of the finances?”, “How will we divvy up housework?”, and “Will Mom need to work?”  The list can go on and on.

Since the beginning of time, starting with Adam and Eve, people have used the resources of the land to make family life enjoyable. Families were always together, sharing roles of homemaker, and worker. The whole family shared in chores, and working in the fields outside. Family time was important to the whole family. It wasn’t until the 1800’s when the industrial revolution started, where families started to separate from the home being the center of family life. Father’s started working outside of the home in factories. As time progressed children went off to school, which left the Mother at home by herself to do all the housework by herself. Fast forwarding a little more, some mother’s started to enter the work force, and suddenly, the once recognizable family was now scattered all over the place.

For a second, I would like to speak to the stay-at-home-moms. THANK YOU!!! In a world where we are constantly told that women should not be in the home, I applaud you for fulfilling your God given responsibility to nurture you children in the home. Now, I understand that under certain circumstances mothers need to work. I applaud those women for being able to provide for your family and nurture your little ones. That is hard work. I encourage all women to continue in their education, it is of significant value to you and to your family. For all those mothers out there, here is the impact you make on your children: “A mother’s implementation of ordinary, daily practices of health and safety make her the central influence in preserving and nurturing life. A mother’s use of language in ordinary interactions expressing, explaining, and questioning make her the most significant influence in a child’s cognitive development. And a mother’s sensitivity and responsiveness to emotion make her the foundation of a child’s social-emotional strength. That is why her education matters so much.” (Jenet Jacob Erickson) http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865587127/A-womans-education-is-not-wasted-in-the-home.html

Now I would like to speak to all the hard working Dads out there. THANK YOU!!! In the world where the media portrays Father’s as dumb, stupid, drunk, or just simply not there, I applaud you for fulfilling your God giving responsibilities to preside, provide, and protect your family. I encourage you to continue to strive to be like our Father in Heaven as you and your wife raise you children in this fallen world. Elder Christofferson has taught: “The perfect, divine expression of fatherhood is our Heavenly Father. His character and attributes include abundant goodness and perfect love. His work and glory are the development, happiness, and eternal life of His children. Fathers in this fallen world can claim nothing comparable to the Majesty on High, but at their best, they are striving to emulate Him, and they indeed labor in His work. They are honored with a remarkable and sobering trust.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/fathers?lang=eng

“The Family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” This statement in the proclamation to the world: the family, is important to understand the need for families. The family is the structure we were in while we were in heaven. It is the structure that works. It is the only structure that brings us happiness and can lead us back home to our heavenly family. Within the family unit there is a lot of learning to be had. The most important lesson you can learn in a family is work. In the article “family work” by Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless, they state: “Helping one another nurture children, care for the land, prepare food, and clean homes can bind lives together. This is the power of family work, and it is this power, available in every home, no matter how troubled, that can end the turmoil of the family, begin to change the world, and bring again Zion.” https://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/ It is in the family where we learn to work to become one. 

Communication

"Relationships cannot grow without the proper amount of communication" --Unknown

There are 3 mediums in which individuals communicate. 
14% is Words
35% is Tone                             
51% is Nonverbal

When you are trying to communicate with someone, you are trying to get someone to see your view on a subject by encoding messages through the three mediums. Take a look at the chart below. This is called "The Feedback Loop" If communicated effectively, someone will speak while the other person listens and tries to figure out what they are saying, and then relate back to them their understanding. Encoding and decoding are the key to conversation. This also furthers the point that it takes 2 to communicate. 

Communication is important in all relationships. But most important when it comes to family relationships, especially our spouse.  To avoid major conflicts and power struggles within your marriage may I suggest some "good fighting" techniques--if you will, from our textbook.
1. Maintain Your Perspective: "there are some things not worth fighting about"
2. Develop Tension Outlets: let go of some tension
3. Avoid Festering Resentment: "practice forgiveness" 
4. Be Sensitive to Timing: take a break. come back to your arguments when both of you are rationally and emotionally stable
5. Communicate without Ceasing: don't use the silent treatment to handle conflict 
6. Be flexible, Willing to Compromise: "give in when the issue does not matter that much to you and prepare to compromise when the issue is important to you
7. Use Conflict to Attack Problems, Not Your Spouse: focus your energy on solving the problem not the destroying the relationship
8. Keep Loving while You Are Fighting: love always 💗

One of the major marital problems couples face today is making decisions together as one. That is why communication is so important in our relationships. In order to make decisions together, we must know how to communicate. 
There are two ways in which people arrive at conclusions for decisions:
1. Compromise: Each one of us trying to get what we want. Or enough to be satisfied. 
2. Consensus: Seeking to learn God's will by setting aside our personal preferences.
I will expand on the latter. 
Elder M. Russell Ballard a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles for the last 15-20+ years has given countless training on ward and family counsels. He has written a book called "Counseling our Counsels" which discusses the principles of communication within wards and families. Here is a talk that also has some good information in it for strengthening family and ward communication through counsels. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/strength-in-counsel?lang=eng

I would like to now share with you the process in which the general authorities come to a consensus for matters regarding the Lord's church. This is pretty insightful, so pay close attention. :)
First thing to note is the brethren (1st presidency and the 12 apostles) have a set time and place for their weekly counsel meetings. Every Thursday morning in the Temple and they also have an agenda for what they would like to discuss. Now here is the cool part: Does everyone know what a Chiasm is? It is "a rhetorical or literary figure in which words, grammatical constructions, or concepts are repeated in reverse order, in the same or a modified form" One of the most common examples is Mosiah 3:18-19 

Okay, back to the brethren:
a. They come about 15 minutes early to express love and appreciation towards each other
     b. They start with a word of prayer to invite the spirit to guide them to knowing God's Will 
          c. They discuss to consensus
     b. They end with a word of prayer, asking for the Spirit to continue to guide them to God's Will
a. They share refreshments with each other (ex. Chocolate and Pie) and again express appreciation

During the time they are discussing, everyone's opinion on the matter is expressed. Each of the 15 brethren have time to discuss individually, then discuss to a consensus. This pattern is so cool because what are the chances of 15 people from different perspectives can come to a conclusions on a matter anywhere else but the church? It is unnatural. The key here, is the Spirit. Here is a video of two of the brethren sharing their testimonies on this process https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QeooJLWlkA

We too can follow this pattern of decision making in our own homes and families. What would happen if you counsel with your kids and family units on a regular basis? Every member would be able to participate in the decision making process of the family. And in so doing, the family would come closer together as one. And isn't that the goal? To become ONE with the Father?    

Family Crisis and Stress

I'm not going to lie. This semester has been extremely trying on every level. I feel like things keep happening right after another and there is so break. Ever. After describing some of the things I have been going through to a friend, they recommended a talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin entitled "Sunday Will Come." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/sunday-will-come?lang=eng I am so grateful for this talk, and for a reassurance that our trials do end. They end because our Savior, Jesus Christ paid the price for us to be able to overcome anything. I defiantly recommend this talk to everyone who is going through a hard time right now. Here is just a little insight to what Elder Wirthlin has to say 

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

Every family will experience hard and stressful times. That is part of life. We shouted for joy to come to earth to get a body and gain earthly experience, knowing full well that trials would be part of this mortal experience.   

A lesson in life that we all need to learn is: "You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." I learned in class this past week just how important a strong family system is during times of crisis and stress. Crisis' effect the whole family whether you want it to or not. Reuben Hill in 1958 created a way to express a crisis on a family using an equation. He called it the ABCX model. Most of us focus on the experience and don't talk about what is going on, let alone look for resources to help us. It is important to recognize all three aspects that make up the experience.

It is important to understand that a stressor and a crisis are two different ideas:
Stressor:  puts pressure on a system, but the system will bounce back
Crisis: a temporary or permanent change in a family
I think the Chinese have the best definition of crisis. They have two brush strokes to describe the word crisis. One stroke represents danger and the other stroke represents opportunity. I would say that most times when we are given a challenge in life, it is a time for us to learn and to grow from the experience.

I think it is safe to say that everyone deals with stress differently.
Ineffective Coping Patterns
*Denial: not believing what you observe
*Avoidance: admit there is a problem, but avoid confronting and dealing with it
*Scapegoating: admit there is a problem, but shift the blame to someone else so that you don't have to feel responsible for the situation
Tools for Effective Coping
*Take responsibility
*Affirm your own worth and your family's worth
*Balance self-control with self-concern
*learn the art of re-framing
*Find and use available resources

The most important thing during a crisis is to stay close together as a family. Most crisis are usually aimed at tearing the family apart. Imagine you are standing in a circle holding hands with your family and someone comes behind each of you and tries to pull you down. You will each feel the stress in a different way, Sometimes it will be directly on you, other times it will be on someone else.  But if you face the crisis together as a family, you will be able to prepare for the stress that will affect your family by holding tighter to each other and adjusting to help others.

Another way to describe effective coping is through an analogy of a coping saw and crown molding. The way you put up molding in a room is to start with the shortest wall. You measure the wall and pick out a piece of molding that is about the same length. You then cut the molding using a coping saw to make minuscule changes to the end of the molding to fit perfectly with the other end, so that the two pieces fit together seamlessly. This prepares it for temperature changes, you will not see the wood fluctuate because the two pieces of molding--if done correctly--will press against each other for support.
~So how does this apply to how we cope with stress?~
Start with the things you can handle and build up to the harder things. Take time to cope wisely, that way when a crisis does hit your life, you cannot visibly see the fluctuation this crisis may cause because you turned to your family for support.

Family systems who work together can face some very difficult things. Which is why it is so important to have a father and a mother who work together as equal partners. Now, I know not everyone is in a situation where you have a mother and a father working together as equal partners. I get that. Some of you may only have one parent, or none. You may be facing crisis and challenges alone. I want to bear you my testimony that God hears your prayers. He knows you are going through a tough time. He knows you can make it through because He doesn't give His children more than we can handle. Be aware of the way you cope with stress and crisis, don't let in destroy the relationships you have, but rather, let these crisis bring you closer together.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week in class we talked about sexual intimacy and how it effects our family relations. To start off I would like to share a quote from President Henry B. Eyring:

"Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is." 

Most of our education about sex comes from the media. Unfortunately, Satan has done an incredible job making sex seem bad. What happens to us as we keep exposing ourselves to sex? We will think it to be normal and acceptable outside of marriage. We are overexposed to sex everywhere we go and we are becoming numb to its effects. Where do we learn that sex is good?........NO WHERE. Having sex with your partner is a very sacred and special experience for you as a couple. Sex is supernatural and Godlike, the best sex is when each partner is thinking only about the other person. That is why it needs to be saved for after marriage. 

As I have mentioned in previous blog entries, men and women are very different from each other. When it comes down to sexuality it is SO important to understand these differences. One difference is Response cycles for men and women are very different which causes problems such as unsatisfaction miscommunication, and misunderstanding between the couple.

Women need to feel safe before they continue on to have sex. Sex is a decision that she has to flip a switch to decide to do, whereas men, want to have sex to feel secure. This is called the sex security cycle.

Another thing to keep in mind:

Men peak sexually between 18-19 years old

Women peak sexually between 30-35 years old.

Therefore, most children come between the ages of 21-29 on average.

Because the world is so uneducated on the topic of sex, there are many couples who experience affairs. There are 4 types of affairs. 

1. Fantasy: an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge it is taking place

2. Visual: pornography

3. Romantic: emotionally involved with someone other than your spouse

4. Sexual: engagement of sexual acts outside of the marriage bond with or without emotional attachment.

Affairs occur because an individual is not satisfied with their own marriage. That is why it is important to keep what is most precious as close to us as possible. Creating proper boundaries between the couple and outside forces is critical for preventing a possible affair. Subtle threats to marital fidelity stem from friends of the opposite gender, Facebook, family, and fighting, Marriages can be protected if "clear, firm boundaries around a marriage -set from the very beginning- protect and preserve." There are absolutely no benefits for having a friend of the opposite sex after you get married. If you are engaged to be married, a great conversation to have between you and your fiancee/fiance would be about Facebook friends  and friends of the opposite gender. One recommendation to prevent an affair from occurring would be to create a joint Facebook page. 

Healthy boundaries between a husband and wife compared to an unhealthy one look like this:

Now onto my last subject for the day: What can we teach our children about sex, so that they are properly educated? 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has put out an incredible guide with recommendations on what to teach your children at every age. I have only skimmed the surface of the content in this book, but it was divinely written. It starts off by talking about families and our purpose here on earth. Then goes onto teach the parents what to discuss with their children about sex at each age:

Infants/Toddlers (Birth to 3 years)

*teach about being sons and daughter of God

*react properly to young children's discoveries of their bodies

Children (4-11 years)

*teach children to take care of their bodies

*teach the difference between intiment relationships and the kinds of relationships

*teach basic difference between men and women

*teach sexuality

*protect your children from physical and sexual abuse

Adolescents (12-18)

*challenges that will accompany puberty

*they can control their desires for physical intimacy

*help teenagers to have wholesome social experiences

*this is a time for developing spiritual power

Courtship/Marriage

*young men need to know that a young women should be a queen of her own body

*gentleness and consideration is important before and after marriage

*chastity is the crown of beautiful womanhood, self-control is the source of true manhood

*minimize the faults, commend virtues

This is a very sensitive topic to be discussing. There are not a lot of good resources to go to for questions. Which is why I have some suggestions for you all:

*"And They Were Not Ashamed" By: Laura Brotherson

*"Knowing Her Intimately" By: Laura Brotherson

*"A Parents Guide" Provided by LDS.org https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

Transitions in Marriage

Getting married is a very exciting time in your life. It is also a very stressful time. Choosing an eternal companion is the one time in your life that you get to be completely selfish. You do not want to end up marrying a jerk. I hope my last blog post illustrated some ways to avoid marrying the wrong person, if not, I recommend reading the book: "How to avoid falling in love with a jerk" by John Van Epp. I have not personally read it yet, but it is on my to-read list and many of my professors have recommended reading it!
This week in class we talked about the many transitions couples face as they progress in their marriage. Today, there are two major transitions I would like to discuss with you.

#1 Engagement

The first major marital transition a couple experiences is the engagement. I want to ask you all a question: Does the proposal matter? Think about it. I'd love for you all to comment your thoughts about this question. I will share some thoughts from class, but I would like to start a discussion about the importance of the proposal.
Some thoughts:

When a young man asks the father for permission to marry his daughter, he is showing that he is organized and respectful. When a young man is truly sincere and puts effort into asking his girlfriend to be his eternal companion, he is showing he is committed. Personally, I think the proposal should be a personal experience between the young man and young women. It is an important milestone in their relationship that will be cherished for the rest of their life's. When a young man gets down on one knee he is showing vulnerability, humility, and service, This is the sameish position that Christ was in when He washed the feet of His disciples. (See John 13)

My teacher, Brother Williams is a firm believer that marriage starts at the proposal. The patterns and boundaries you set while you are engaged will be the patterns and boundaries you have throughout your whole marriage. This time in your relationship is so crucial to the rest of your life.Yes, planning a wedding can be so much fun, but it only lasts for one night. Your marriage will last throughout eternity. During your engagement you and your fiancé/fiancée need to be having conversations and discussions about the future. What kind of job will you have? Where do you want to live? When will you start your family? Who is going to perform which roles? What patterns and values are you going to establish and follow? Where will we be drawing the boundaries between our friends and family members? The sad reality of today's young adults is they do not have these conversations, they are so focused on the wedding and the excitement of being engaged that they forget about what comes after that. Reality.

#2 Children and Marital Satisfaction 

The second major marital transition I would like to discuss with you is that of the birth of children. The reason that marital satisfaction decreases as you have children is because mothers and fathers grow apart. This occurs because the child is loud and smelly and refuses to sleep at reasonable times.  The child is also demanding and needs constant attention usually from the mother. After every birth of a child, is it scientifically proven that marital satisfaction will take a dip and then level out. The couple’s marital satisfaction will be at its lowest after their last child is born. 

But, on a happy note, the couple’s marital satisfaction will start to increase as their children start to leave the home. It will increase a little and then level out until all their children are gone and they are empty nesters.

Some of the feelings expressed by these couples after their child is born are:

She is frequently preoccupied with the baby.

He is often busy elsewhere.

She thinks he doesn’t care about her needs.

He feels left out.

She feels worn out and wonders if he will ever get involved.

He secretly wonders if they really knew what they were getting into by having children.

All of these thoughts are common responses that many couples in the United States face after the birth of their children. It is important to keep in mind that we can change these statistics by making the husband and wife relationship the most important relationship in our life even with children. With a gospel perspective, we know that we obtain the promised blessings of the Celestial Kingdom with our spouses! We cannot receive those blessings God has in store for us if we are not constantly working on making our marriage stronger. Children are a commandment and will bring much joy and gladness to your life, but at the end of the day, the couples are who we will be throughout eternity.

There are other research findings that I could share with you, but I will end with one last thought from my professor: "Heavenly Father wants your happiness more than you do." I know this to be true. I know that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to return back to Him. We can do this by being obedient to His commandments and participating in the ordinances and covenants that take place in His holy house, the Temple.  I look forward to the day that I can kneel across the alter with the love of my life and be sealed for time and all eternity. 💗